My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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