God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
