he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
