so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
