I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
