I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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