Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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