if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My vagina is officially offended.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
