There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
