The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Come see our sink grown plant.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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