Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
