I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
BRING THE BAGELS
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
