if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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