We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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