Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
