We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
