worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
