proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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