I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize