He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
