you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
