Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
