if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
