Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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