what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
