I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
