hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
