I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
