She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
