he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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