See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
