i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
