I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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