I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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