gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
