I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
