Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
