just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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