Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
