I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
