mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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