Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
