The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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