What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
