I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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