just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
