No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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