I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
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Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
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Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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