Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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