we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
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My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
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Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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