i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
