he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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