I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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