Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
