Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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