He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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