Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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