no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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