Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
