just come out here and I will go home with you...
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
