My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
